Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Lessons in beach survival

After a couple of trips to the beach in my days off work, I feel I have learnt some valuable lessons I need to pass on to those of you planning beach holidays in 2014:

(1)  If going to a beach with reasonable-sized waves, DO NOT attempt to body surf said waves in glasses.  It will lead to them being irretrievably swept away and you looking like a squinting idiot trying to search the sea for them.  This will be followed by an awkward period of time spent trying to find out where you left your towel, whilst not trying to squint up close at all the other people on the beach like some kind of pervert.  This will THEN be followed by a very careful walk home, trying to avoid anything that looks vaguely human-or-dangerous-obstacle-shaped.

(2)  You know those body parts where you say, "Oh it/they never tan(s)"?  Put sun cream on them anyway - THEY WILL BURN.  Then you will be walking around hunched over like an old woman trying to prevent anything touching your thighs, because even the slightest gust of wind feels like molten metal being poured on them.

(3)  When returning to said beach (with high factor sun cream protecting thighs and contact lenses safely installed) for a repeat attempt at body surfing - DO NOT stand up after a particularly big wave has wiped you out without checking your bikini positioning.  Otherwise your boyfriend will be laughing at you, as you treat the entire beach to an upper body eyeful.

That is all for now.  You are welcome.